


The Read-Through

by itstonedme



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: M/M, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-16
Updated: 2010-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-14 22:05:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/519989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itstonedme/pseuds/itstonedme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Word was that if someone voted for a threesome with Peter Jackson in <a href="http://orlijah-month.livejournal.com/99454.html">Orlijah_Month 2010</a> over on LJ, they would have to write it.  :)  So this little bit of nonsense is the result of me having given Peter some love.  Winner MOME 2010 General Ficlets RPS Threesomes.  Reader comments at source.</p>
<p>Disclaimer: Complete bollocks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Read-Through

EW: Hi Peter. Orlando and I have been talking.

PJ: Why does that make me nervous?

EW: No, no, relax. Here's the thing. We all know that there's a whole fandom out there because of the films. But, like, there's a whole _other_ fandom out there, of amateur writers, who see us as all being gay. Like, all the Fellowship, humping like bunnies.

PJ: Nervous here.

EW: No, chill, you're not part of it. But that's the thing. You were the guy who picked all of us guys to be the cast. I mean, you were the guy who picked all of us apparently 'hot' guys so that this fandom could write us humping our brains out. You were The Man, man. The genius, the one with the eye, the Sauron of sex appeal. And yet, no one has you humping anyone.

PJ: I'm happy humping Fran, thank you very much.

EW: I know, Fran rocks. But think about it. Beneath this shaggy, robust, myopic, mild-mannered, dishevelled exterior, there obviously beats the heart of someone with a very fine eye for what this fandom would wholeheartedly call 'slashy' talent.

PJ: I wouldn't know about this 'slashy'.

EW: It's just another bunny-humping word. But think about it. You know 'hot' when you see it. And anyone who knows hot, _is_ hot. Maybe not on the surface. But inside, Peter, insiiiide, you've got 'hot' down cold. You're one sexy dude. Orlando, say something, I could use some help with this.

OB: I like my men a little _softig._

EW: (hangs head)

PJ: Orlando! All right, what are you guys saying?

EW: We're saying, Peter, that you need a little slash time. At least on paper. So Orlando and I were thinking that maybe we should cut you in.

PJ: I'm happy out.

EW: On paper, Peter, just on paper.

*

PJ: So where do we start?

EW: We start with you on the bed.

PJ: I'm not getting on the bed.

EW: Did I like being put in a spider web? Hop on the bed.

OB: Here, let me fluff the pillow for you.

EW: Up against the headboard. There, comfy? Now, relaaaaaxxx. 

PJ: Who made you the director?

EW: I did. Now, take yourself out of your pants.

PJ: Elijah! 

OB: Show us the money, Peter.

PJ: This is just wrong.

EW: We're only on paper, Peter. Come on, take it out, we've all got one.

OB: I can help you. 

PJ: I can manage on my own, Orlando, thank you. 

EW: There. Can Orlando take your glasses? Believe me, it's better when the room is all fuzzy. Sort of locks you into yourself. 

OB: They'll just be here on the side table.

EW: Now relaaaaxxxx. You look good. Debauched, kind of. Less in control. You don't always need to be in control.

(Sounds of the bed springs creaking)

PJ: What are you two doing?!

EW: Just keeping you company. 

PJ: ...

EW: There, now we're all friendly. So. 

PJ: So.

EW: Touch yourself. 

PJ: !

EW: Either you touch you, or we touch you.

PJ: This is blackmail.

EW: There's a whole fandom out there that would beg to differ.

PJ: Christ, okay, how's that?

EW: That's actually kind of hot. A guy with his dick in his hand is always kind of hot.

PJ: Except if he's at the mall in front of a lingerie shop.

EW: True. But you're not. You're here, in a bed, with Orlando on one side and me on the other.

OB: Hi, Peter.

PJ: Orli.

OB: You're kind of cute up close.

PJ: Don't start, Orlando.

OB: No, really, you have nice eyes. I mean that with sincerity.

PJ: We're just on paper, right?

EW: That's right. Now just lean back so that Orlando can get comfy beside you.

PJ: Boys, this should stop.

EW: We don't want it to stop.

OB: We want you to join the fandom.

PJ: They don't want me.

EW: They don't know you like we do, Peter. Besides, we want you. Come ooooonnnn, chill.

PJ: (sharp inhale)

EW: Orlando's kind of good, isn't he.

PJ: This isn't right.

EW: When it's on paper, it's always right, Peter. Because it's just fic. tion.

PJ: (gasping) Jeezuz, Orlando.

EW: For four years, Peter, we gave ourselves over to you. We're only asking for one little bit of time back.

PJ: Christ Almighty, Orlando....

EW: Believe me, he knows his way around a neck.

PJ: Tell Orlando to stop.

EW: Director says, that's not in the script. Sorry.

PJ: Orlando, don't! Not my...tits.

OB: I _like_ your little man boobies.

PJ: (whimper)

EW: Oh look, Little Peter's saying hi.

PJ: Nnngghh.

EW: Maybe he wants to shake hands. Hey, Little Peter, pleased to meet you.

PJ: God, Elijah! Don't...touch me there.

EW: Close your eyes, Peter. Just imagine little bitten Frodo fingers, coming to say hello.

PJ: Frodo...

EW: _"Tell me, what must I do?"_

PJ: (more whimpering) You...need to...stttopppp. (squelchy sounds) 

EW: Not yet. 

PJ: (gasping)

OB: Mmmm, furry.

PJ: Oh God. 

EW: Imagine Mount Doom, Peter.... 

PJ: Ohhhh....nooooo....

EW: ...hot....erupting...

PJ: Oh, Sam!!

EW/OB: ???

PJ: OH!! OH!!! SAVE ME, SAMMMMM!!

*

EW: So, that's how it works.

PJ: (rumpled, sated, grinning) Hmmm?

EW: Losing your slash virginity. On paper. That's how it happens.

OB: Your glasses, Pete.

PJ: Thank you, Orlando.

EW: I mean, you got away easy. No ropes. No spanking. No angst.

PJ: Thank God.

EW: No dresses. No lube. Nothing up your butt.

PJ: Oh! That would be...no.

EW: Just your two favorite actors.

PJ: I suppose.

OB: You suppose??

PJ: Well, it's just.... It might have been nice...

EW/OB: What?

PJ: If you'd written Viggo into the script.

EW/OB: _Ewww!!_


End file.
